And the struggle continues

Last year (2009) new years day, Jan 1, while traveling with a new met friend at Long Island Ashram, I said to him ” You know I kind of have an intuition, this year is not going to be a good year. Not at all” He said ” Have faith brother. Everything seems to be shaky in one instant and next moment it is all rosy, you never know”

And after 15 months of expressing my intuition, I am still struggling. Graduating with a good North American graduate level degree I found work which lasted only almost 3 months and I was laid off citing economical reasons. I held myself together and my friend circle was very supportive as well. Kudos

It took me alittle over 3 months to find another work outside of New York. I packed up my shit and moved to a new place. New job wasnt that exciting at all but I still continued to suck up because we all need to pay bills. Between paying bills and going to work, the main reason of the life seemed to be lost.

I found peace in the fact that I stayed connected to my spiritual side as intensely as I could. I found peace that I was eating healthy food and maintaining a yoga schedule. And I had time to maintain a very low profile social circle. I thought of going back to school. I hated this life, as much as I can put in simple words. I want to go back to school and teach. Taking a year off to explore my skills and interest, as it turned out, is not a good idea after all. I didnt like the wrok, the people and nothing that I learnt.

My parents decided to visit me for thanksgiving and early december month. It was good as long it lasted. I still remember the day I was coming home after dropping them at the airport. I entered the house, and I saw emptiness as big as the whole room and vastness as the whole universe. In a minute, I realized that not only they went back home, they took “me” along with them.

I continued to go to work for next two months and then I was laid off again. I was told, economic instability this time. New words same reason.  Before being laid off for the second time, I applied to my Grad school for Phd programs and also a local state school for phd program. My alma mater is taking time to evaluate my profile and local school should give the result soon.

Now after all of this turmoil and utilizing my time to evaluate job descriptions and apply to jobs, I find peace that I have done whatever I could with what I had. Everything hangs in HIS hands and I am wating for him to listen and respond. Yesterday I was gtalking with one of my good friend, who lives in PA right now, she said, why do you say “GOd doesnt listen. that is not good attitude”. I replied “I changed my stand. He listens just doesnt respond. He doesn’t respond”

For everything I do, I just didnt know if it will work or not. We never do.


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