It gets harder


After two days of extreme volunteering, and sleeping less than 8 hours in three days, the mind was calm but body was broken. Or was nearing that stage. That’s when I got done with all of the work that could be possibly before permanently hurting myself.

Even on Monday morning at 445 AM and with only 4 hours of sleep, every next second became tough. I continue to have faith in HIM that he will help me in getting my lost respect and making my life easier just a tad, and all I can do is Pray.

I read it somewhere “Work as hard as possible, don’t stress at all”. I am trying to follow that philosophy and see what happens.   To say the least, so that .. neither god, nor myself can later contend that I didn’t give my 100 percent.

I am at a loss at this moment to understand how I can not feel sad and disappointed.  Each day passes by and nothing changes regarding the job situation.  I try and give  interviews for myself and for others, however nothing changes. From my last similar experiences, I know and I remember that it takes only one successful interview but what should I tell my bank balances? What should I tell my dwindling confidence on not to leave me just yet?  What should I tell to the eyes of my better half on how they have lost respect for me ? How?

 

Each day I start with hope and end with despair. Everyday I go to bed with hope that this was the last day when I hanged in there, but truth be told, there is No better option for me at this time.  Sometimes in the past on a different life turn, I did think of quiting and calling it off, however can I give up now?  I CAN’T.

I can’t give up just yet because that’s just not what I am made of.   I will not quit, I will fight to the last drop of my blood with everything I got, but I am also very painfully aware that after so many fights in so little time, in life, my ability to be resilient and sort of “fight back” has reduced.  I can feel it.

Some might argue, your ability to be resilient should increase after fight after fight, however its just not the way it has worked for me.   I do have a resltess spirit which I am aware of and because of it, I have been able to do what I have been in the past and today.  It makes me different from others. It makes me who I am. Only two more things have the ability to be added in the same sentence. If you know what I mean.

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