When I wrote my world-famous last post (You can tease your mind here: http://www.swampweapon.wordpress.com/2012/06/30/first-not-so-much-happy-anniversary/ ) I wanted to do a couple of things.
First I wanted to take my frustration out. By the time I wrote the last post, I was full of resentment and frustration because of Happiness‘s attitude towards our relationship and us which had been consistently deteriorating in the last few months. From the day we first met in Hoboken to the day of my birthday in April and then to Happiness’s birthday in May and more!
Second, I was hoping by the means of expressing my frustration (by writing my feelings out) I can discover for myself, the path on which I accumulated this amount of frustration in the first place, the path where I can avoid being a victim or at least having the mentality of being a victim (if that was true in some world), and the path where I can figure out how to bring it up to Happiness in a non-combative and defensive way!
Thirdly, somewhere down under this skin, I was hoping that by taking this frustration out, I will be ready to take some more of the non-sense and I wouldn’t have to fight myself anymore. I know this is counter-productive, but sometimes you just think ;’oh it will improve next time,! May be this was the last time” Call me a positive person or just philosophical, I gave Happiness more leverage than I should have. Also as result of outing my frustration, I could go back being myself – a human being with very few expectations and who would like them to be completed, however am not alien to being hurt
Fourth, I really wanted to figure out how NOT to hurt Happiness and in the bigger picture, our relationship. Here something about me. If I don’t like something that someone did to/with me, I will not say anything to them directly or on that moment, and it is so intrinsic in my attitude that I will slowly do one of either things”
– Find something small and blow it out !! Yikess that makes me passive aggressive
– I will stop investing my time and efforts in the relationship and as we all know, it will die eventually. Basically I adopt that “I DON’T CARE” attitude
– I will intentionally try.. to be away from this person and that makes me (look) distant and I mostly let the relationship die. So, that’s my “I don’t give a rat’s ass anymore about you” attitude.
But why didn’t I do this? Go on!!! Ask me? Don’t be shy !!
I couldn’t settle with any of my options I just very chivalrously volunteered to share with you, because I really LOVE Happiness and I don’t want my self-destroying self to come back and use me to destroy something I love so dearly.
Stay Tuned! More updates are coming soon on how I am learning to give space to Happiness and then almost fought about it ! Sneak peak, Happiness is going to go out to celebrate the day where it all started!