Disclaimer : This post content has nothing to do with the act of dreaming while sleeping or day dreaming; neither it talks about any problems you or anyone may face with the sleeping activity. Sorry but CDC has some (http://www.cdc.gov/sleep/resources.htm) But thanks for visiting the blog. Since I m not qualified to write such posts, so instead I will just try to channelize the tsunami of my thoughts through writing and clear my head. Hope you ll pay attention.
We are born. When I was born I was overweight. I have loved that I was overweight that I was always born with some extra pounds on me. Everyone would hold me and give me that extra love because I was an adorable kid. I like to think that was true, but I think more so because I was a little extra. I always thought and still think very much that I am glad to have been born associated to you. I can’t define in words, or in emotions how I feel about being born associated to you. I tried to understand this so many times, but I guess that’s what KARMA is. I can’t understand why YOU.
However, I was born.
I was born with you being around me. You holding me in your arms, feeding me, providing for me and giving me that shine in eyes. I have this shine in my eyes from you and nowhere else from. But I have never told you this. So let it is be the day, I tell you, You’re the reason behind my shine. You’re my sparkle. Everything you did, gave me the shine. I saw the shine in your eyes, constantly beaming, constantly moving forward to do things and constantly caring.
I care about you and I know very firmly you do about me as well. If I have known care, it is because of you. If I have owned the shine in my eyes, it’s because of you.
I can sense in your voice when I sometimes BUTTdial you and you’re sleeping, but you still answer my phone and say, “its alright I was going to get up anyways” ( who does that). I can sense in your actions when I ask for opinion on my clothes, you always say, you look great even though I look like an 80’s kid stuck in 2014. (who does that?) because you don’t care whatever clothes I wear, you know I m the same person. Because for you, I am the same person. (I hope I stay the same person and I hope you can see that I am the same person still)
Extended family hasn’t been always kind to you. And I am very aware of that, but I never saw hatred in your actions, or heart for anyone of them. Every day I saw you dealing with them, working with them, helping them, honing the good in others and experienced relentless ability to help. The other day I saw an old woman crossing the road during ice and snow storm, and I couldn’t help and stop myself from helping her cross the road. I quickly went up to her, said hello and introduced myself and held firmly her hand. She was soft and cold under those gloves. I pressed them a little and offered the confidence to walk the road in the snow.
Now, when people ask me what made you like this? I don’t answer them, but I know in my heart. Its YOU. Its your principles I am putting to work. Will you not be kind to me any longer? All I ever would want is the kindness for me from you.
We have childhood friends, we have college buddies, drinking buddies, in some cases crazy insane buddies, ( we all have that one crazy friend. Admit it) and if you’re fortunate you night also have an active friend circle at work.
After your years of hard work on me and providing for me, I continue to work hard to create a life for myself. I value everything that was provided for and I have in my life. I learnt how to appreciate even a dime from you. For everything that I am today, I have a rationale that links me to you. That links my actions to yours.
I looked up to you. I still do.
I saw how you worked hard to do things for us. I saw how you kept us always fed. I saw how you managed to be all-around and always in my face for everything. You never knew how to back off, and now when I look back, that is what I loved the most about you. You being with me, showing me a sense of care, a sense of genuine being and a sense of love. Those three words, I could never say to you, but I want to tell you today that I love you. Very deeply. Will you love me back? I am still the same person. Can you see behind these planes, air rides and vacations that I am waiting for just one thing — a tight hug from you and to hear, “I am glad you’re here”
When I was growing up, you helped me with some homework now and then. When I was growing up, I saw you made sure our clothes were done and always ready for everyday. When I was hungry, I saw you always have food ready for us. When I would come from school in the hot and humid temperature of 100 F you would make sure the air conditioning was running already because it took few minutes to cool the room. When I would get up after my afternoon nap, I saw you made a beverage so I can get up and get to my homework quickly. When I would go to meet my friends, I saw the number of missed calls on my phones. When I would go to bed in the night, I saw how you would come around and made sure there was everything that we may need in the bed and in the room to make sure we slept alright in the bed.
I saw more. I saw in those eyes, you had dreams for me. A yearning for me to complete first my high school and then my college ( better did you know I would also go to grad school later). A yearning I will become integrated with the family like others have. A yearning for me to grow up sooner and be a man; a man who would go to school; a man who would be a good man; a man who would live respectfully; a man who would also be helpful to others; and most importantly a man of virtues and truth.
I saw that yearning, that hope in your eyes and better yet your dreams for me. Today what I see are those stressed eyes, which are a mirror of broken heart and dreams. I see the eyes. The eyes have a deep sense of stress and worry. I see the stress. The stress of how to deal with the truth. The stress of what will people say and how will they react when they will know that the boy you raised with values, love and care turned out to be a man who is professional, successful, awesomely in love with reading, great with helping others, a mentor, a great guy who inspires people to be fearless, who is hopelessly in love with his nephew and family, who is doing good everyday, day after day, and who has also accepted the truth of himself.
I think I may have heard somewhere, truth is nothing but always liberating. I thought my truth will liberate you as much as it did me. I thought your love that has been steadfast and unconditional, will remain conditional. Will it? I saw your kindness towards others, will your kindness find me in its path? Will it? I saw you doing things for others. Will you continue to do things for me? Will You? I saw you accepting others for whatever they were ( stupid or just plain morons), but will you accept me for who I am ? Will you? I see how you can’t stop talking about nephew, will you start talking about me? Will you?
But I see no more dreams about my future. Often, I see you have dreams in your eyes. Randomly for yourself, but mostly for others. But I don’t see any conversations about my future, about me and about your love for me. Why?
When the time comes, I will want to get married to a man of my choice and liking. I will want you to be a part of that wedding and be excited for it as you were for your elder son. But I don’t see those dreams in your eyes. Not anymore. I don’t see the dreams of me bringing up kids. I wonder.. why? I wonder why don’t you think I am deserving of those dreams? I guess the awkward question is “Will you ever dream again for me? The real me? “
Or Should I ask “Why did you stop dreaming for me? Why did you stop dreaming ? ” in the first place.
PS: Mom, I am still waiting for you to have those dreams for me again. Your son.